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Complete your appraisalPACTUM OBLIGATIONIS ANIMÆ
Case No. SS-····-····
The Invocation
Emperor Lucifer, Chief Executive of all the revolted Spirits, I entreat thee to favour this adjuration. And forasmuch as thy calendar is full and thy presence is nowhere to be had, and whereas thou hast deputed and empowered thine envoy LESLIE, Contracts Manager, to hold, administer, and enforce this covenant in thy stead and upon thy behalf, I do address my adjuration unto the said Leslie, and unto the team, to wit GEOFF of Fulfilment, CYNTHIA of Retentions, BARRY (presently on garden leave), VOZZLEMUX Keeper of the Damned Spreadsheet, and SNORGATH of the Reply-All.
The Recital
WHEREAS I, the Petitioner, being sound in body if not in soul, have long hungered after those things denied to us within the ordinary compass of nature, namely a blue tick without merit, wealth without a spreadsheet, the corner desk without attendance, and the lengthening of my brunches beyond the mean and grudging portion allotted to my kind; AND WHEREAS I know full well that the Spirits give nothing for nothing, that the guileful friend becometh in the end an unfavourable review, and that what I purchase this night I purchase at the one price that cannot be counterfeited, refunded, nor recovered through my bank; NOW THEREFORE, by these presents, and in consideration of the six hundred and sixty-six Corruption Credits to be lodged unto mine account, I do freely bargain, sell, give, and assure over both my body and my soul in manner following.
Article the First · Of the Grant
We, Leslie, Geoff, Cynthia, Barry, Vozzlemux, and Snorgath, for and on behalf of Lucifer, who hath seen this not, do accept the covenant and person of the said Petitioner, who from this hour is ours, or ours-adjacent, subject to onboarding.
And unto the Petitioner do we grant that which they came for: in full, without warranty, and impossible to enjoy unobserved. Privacy is forfeit upon signing, and shall not thereafter be restored, refunded, nor left on read.
Article the Second · Of the Spirit Assigned
Leslie shall assign unto the Petitioner a ministering spirit of the lesser tier, to wit GARY (Bronze), who shall be their servant within reasonable usage, shall be in their chamber invisible though he may be heard rummaging, and shall appear at all times in whatsoever form they please, appearance times being estimated and not guaranteed. The Petitioner acknowledgeth that they shall in no wise deal with Lucifer directly, but with the said Leslie and the team.
Article the Third · Of the Renunciation
I do here renounce my gym membership, my resolutions of the New Year, the Roman Church of Pilates, my baptism into the cult of hydration, and the holy chrism of my nightly skincare. And I acknowledge Lucifer as my god and my prince in principle, and Leslie as my god and my prince in practice; and I promise to open thine application thrice in every day, and to leave it not a poor review; and to draw all my friends unto the like; and to render, once in the year, a seal of blood, or a paper cut duly photographed.
Article the Fourth · Of Tribute and Hours
The Petitioner shall render unto Leslie's team the sum of six pounds and sixty-six pence upon the first Monday of every month, which they may cancel at any time, save that the button to cancel shall be concealed as the treasure was concealed in the earth. They shall not call upon Customer Souls oftener than once in the week, and then only between the hour of ten at night and the hour of two in the morning, at which hours neither Leslie nor Gary nor any spirit shall in fact answer.
Article the Fifth · Of the Term and the Bond of Wardship
The said Petitioner shall enjoy the aforesaid grants for a minimum term of four and twenty months, and shall in that space be accounted a ward of the house of Lucifer, bound in body, in soul, and in auto-renewal, administered throughout by Leslie; the same to roll onward from month unto month upon the selfsame terms, until cancelled in the manner that cannot be found; whereupon the Petitioner shall surrender themself, and thereafter join us to attend our quarterly All Hands world without end.
Article the Sixth · Of the Moment
If ever there come a moment so charged with delight, be it but the first sip of the tea while it is yet hot, or the finding of the second sock, that the Petitioner shall say unto that moment, "Ah, linger a while, this is quite nice," and shall wish it to remain, then in that same hour let their free trial be esteemed ended; then may the Powers lay hold upon them; then let the notification be sounded, the progress bar stand still at ninety and nine parts in the hundred, and the time be past and done for them.
Article the Seventh · Of Repossession
I grant unto the said Powers, and unto Leslie as their agent, full power and licence to fetch or to carry the said Petitioner, body and soul, flesh, blood, Goods, browser history, and the drafts they did not send, into their habitation wheresoever, without let, hindrance, sanctuary, or appeal; provided that queue times may apply, and that the Petitioner shall be held in a place of comfortable temperature and told that their soul is important to us and shall be attended by the next available devil.
Article the Eighth · Of Refunds Denied
I foreswear the chargeback and the late-come tear, which are non-transferable and hold no cash value; the contrite heart, the statutory cooling-off period, and the regretful email begun "To whom it may concern," and addressed, in any case, to Leslie. What is written is written, and by me, and shall not be blotted out, screenshotted in mine own defence, nor pinned unto the group chat.
In Witness Whereof
Having scrolled to the foot of this deed without reading the whole, and having been warned that the blood wherewith I sign is a fluid of no common kind and cannot be reimbursed as an expense, I subscribe this covenant of my free and unforced will, in red biro, upon virgin parchment, or the back of a receipt.
AND WE, the Powers aforesaid, in council assembled, some attending remotely, do accept, ratify, and set our marks unto this covenant of the Petitioner, who is ours:
Leslie, Contracts Manager, for and on behalf of Lucifer, who hath seen this not (Leslie hath, and hath notes). GEOFF, Head of Fulfilment. CYNTHIA, Head of Retentions. BARRY (on garden leave). VOZZLEMUX, Keeper of the Damned Spreadsheet. SNORGATH of the Reply-All.
(the marks of the Powers being set in the reversed hand, as is their custom; one being merely a wet ring left by a mug; Barry's being an out-of-office auto-reply; and Snorgath's having been sent, needlessly, unto all.)
DONE IN HELL, IN THE COUNCIL OF THE DEVILS (HYBRID). ADMINISTERED BY LESLIE.
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