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SATAN'S SHOP Get appraised

Sell your soul. Spend the valuation badly.

Satan's Shop billboard: Sell your soul, spend the valuation badly, appraise your soul, receive one grand bargain, and spend or assign 666 credits. Begin your appraisal

The eight grand bargains

Choose one. You'll get what you deserve.

Each bargain is fulfilled with absolute contractual enthusiasm and a flexible interpretation of the word "benefit".

Fame. Be known. Be unable to stop being known.

Grand bargain 01

Fame

Be known. Be unable to stop being known.

Recognition in every room, including the ones you wanted to leave quietly.

Fine print

Fame is granted in full and cannot be partially returned. Privacy is forfeit on signing.

Choose

target profile: public

Fortune. Money, and the specific anxieties only money provides.

Grand bargain 02

Fortune

Money, and the specific anxieties only money provides.

Wealth sufficient to ruin your relationships at a higher standard of living.

Fine print

Fortune is nominal, volatile, and taxed in a currency we will name later.

Choose

target profile: ruined

Revenge. They'll get what's coming. So will you.

Grand bargain 03

Revenge

They'll get what's coming. So will you.

Precise, proportionate, deeply satisfying, and impossible to enjoy in front of others.

Fine print

Revenge is final on delivery. Targets cannot be amended once selected in your heart.

Choose

target profile: afflicted

Beauty. Heads turn. So do stomachs, eventually.

Grand bargain 04

Beauty

Heads turn. So do stomachs, eventually.

A face the algorithm rewards and the mirror keeps a ledger on.

Fine print

Beauty depreciates on a schedule we control. Maintenance plans are not available.

Choose

target profile: reflective

Influence. People do what you want and resent you correctly for it.

Grand bargain 05

Influence

People do what you want and resent you correctly for it.

The quiet power to move rooms, decisions, and group chats.

Fine print

Influence is non-transferable and audible to everyone except you.

Choose

target profile: catchable

Status. Above some people. Below others. Aware of both at all times.

Grand bargain 06

Status

Above some people. Below others. Aware of both at all times.

A rung. A good one. With a perfect view of the rung above.

Fine print

Status is relative, contested, and recalculated nightly without your input.

Choose

target profile: positional

Protection. Nothing bad happens to you. Things still happen near you.

Grand bargain 07

Protection

Nothing bad happens to you. Things still happen near you.

A quiet shield against consequence, confrontation, and the phone ringing.

Fine print

Protection covers you only. Bystanders are explicitly not covered and somewhat at risk.

Choose

target profile: adjacent

Inexplicable Professional Respect. Everyone assumes you're senior. You stop correcting them.

Grand bargain 08

Inexplicable Professional Respect

Everyone assumes you're senior. You stop correcting them.

Unearned gravitas in meetings, replies, and the way people say your name.

Fine print

Respect is inexplicable by design. Requesting an explanation voids it instantly.

Choose

target profile: corporate

Begin your soul appraisal

Your soul is not going to appraise itself. Begin your appraisal. Begin your appraisal
Parody

Satan's Shop is a parody novelty service. No souls are bought, sold, transferred, appraised, improved, or professionally harmed.